In my last post I provided a description of what hearing voices can be likened to for the uninitiated’s apprehension of the experience. In this post I would like to further discuss hearing voices by focusing on a specific voice that has haunted me since the voices became more intense in 1994. Specifically, I refer to what I call the die command.
The die command is a voice that commands me to die. The command is the essence of simplicity. The voice simply tells me, or a part of me, to die. The voice says nothing else to me, just the word “die,” and I hear the command in the same way I hear other voices. The voice wants me dead and, as mentioned above, began in 1994. Since then the die command has been with me off and on for 20 years. Sometimes I go for weeks or even months without hearing it and then I go through days and weeks where I hear the command throughout the days on a regular basis. The command seems directed at a part of me that I am not always aware of but is usually received with a literal physical response in the form of a despairing snort that escapes my mouth that I cannot control. In the past, the command has prompted me towards suicidal thoughts, thoughts which obviously I did not in the end act upon.
I have made numerous attempts through the years to silence this voice. I have on occasion tried to open a dialogue with this voice, where ‘talking’ to it is the act of consciously thinking thoughts in my head and directing them at the voice, in an attempt to discover the voice’s motivation, its reason for wanting me dead, but the voice is unresponsive.
I have tried countering the command with a consciously formed command of my own, the command being to “live,” in an attempt to intervene and let myself, or this despairing part of me, know that I have a desire for myself, or this part of me, to live. I give this command every time I hear the die command.
I have also tried to point out to this voice the error in its logic. If I did in fact respond to the die command by killing myself, than I would be dead. But so would it. The voice comes from inside of me and if I am dead there is no inside of me to come from. If I cease to exist, so too does it. Ultimately, the voice can’t succeed without causing its own extinction. The voice’s only hope of survival turns on my refusal to obey and my continued well being. Consequently, it loses if I obey because it dies and it loses if I don’t obey because I don’t die. It is a futile undertaking, which is the crazy making part. As it stands, the voice continues with its command and it and I exist in an ongoing stalemate because I’m not going anywhere.
I have also concocted theories as to why this voice wants me dead in an attempt to try to refute and diffuse the voice’s reason for wanting me dead. I have alternately thought of the voice as being a ruthless and remorseless killer at heart, and a morally righteous voice doling out harsh judgment to part of me that possesses immoral urges that cannot be tolerated by this voice. Alternately, I have thought the voice to be a part of me holding myself to blame for dropping out of university where I was happy and productive and heading out on the road where I wasted away and wandered aimlessly in the streets on and off for the better part of three years. In the end, none of my attempts have discovered or resolved an underlying conflict, or silenced the voice, which remains beyond my conscious control.
In the beginning I found the command distressing. Presently, while the command saddens me, it has become a familiar part of my inner life that I live with and tolerate having discovered no other recourse than to suffer it and keep on getting on. In the end, this voice, as well as others, has only the power over me that I give it and I have come to give it very little.
Have a great week friends.