A Life Interrupted Nothing Is As It Appears

February 22, 2014

Die! Die! Die!

In my last post I provided a description of what hearing voices can be likened to for the uninitiated’s apprehension of the experience. In this post I would like to further discuss hearing voices by focusing on a specific voice that has haunted me since the voices became more intense in 1994. Specifically, I refer to what I call the die command.

The die command is a voice that commands me to die. The command is the essence of simplicity.  The voice simply tells me, or a part of me, to die. The voice says nothing else to me, just the word “die,” and I hear the command in the same way I hear other voices.  The voice wants me dead and, as mentioned above, began in 1994.  Since then the die command has been with me off and on for 20 years.  Sometimes I go for weeks or even months without hearing it and then I go through days and weeks where I hear the command throughout the days on a regular basis. The command seems directed at a part of me that I am not always aware of but is usually received with a literal physical response in the form of a despairing snort that escapes my mouth that I cannot control.  In the past, the command has prompted me towards suicidal thoughts, thoughts which obviously I did not in the end act upon. read more

February 17, 2014

The Voices. The Voices. They are A’Calling

In my experience of schizophrenia the active symptoms are or were delusions, voices, hallucinations, and, to a much lesser extent, suicidal thoughts. While the voices and hallucinations persist to this day, the delusions were perhaps the most difficult to grapple with but were the first to go, and suicidal thoughts that were brought on by despair passed when the feelings of despair passed. The hallucinations proved to be of little or no consequence in my experience being similar to the hallucinations brought on by the street drugs I ingested in my youth, but the voices continue to be a part of nearly every waking day to one degree or another. I would like to talk about the voices here and leave the rest to another day. read more

February 10, 2014

Yorkton: A Fallen Man Dreams Of Redemption, A Starving Man Dreams Of Food Pt. 2 of 2

And so I strummed and I sang and I strummed and I sang.  An hour went by. People came and people went but almost nobody paid me any mind and showed me no appreciation.  I began to wonder if this being thy brother’s keeper thing was going to pan out. My stomach growled. I looked in my case.  I had a couple dollars. I would need that for gas for the car to run tonight for heat while I slept. Business was slow.  So I switched it up and dove into a rendition of The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald by Gordon Lightfoot, which had proven to be a crowd pleaser in the past. Sure enough a preacher, a leader and representative of the community, walked up wearing a collar, a solemn smile on his pious face, and towing a small child by the hand, the good book and some pamphlets in his other hand pressed against his hip. He stood impassively for a moment or two looking on and listening while the child peered up with a look of curiosity from beside him. Mid song he let go the child, extended his hand, and introduced himself saying rather stiffly, “I am Father Tom.” read more

February 2, 2014

Yorkton:A Fallen Man Dreams Of Redemption, A Starving Man DreamsOf Food Pt. 1 of 2

With nothing but the bare essentials of life packed in the trunk, which included an amount of camping gear, about $400 in cash, no credit cards, an assortment of cassette tapes, and a guitar along with a small amount of sheet music stowed in the back seat, I backed out of the driveway one last time and pointed the nose of the Mazda in the direction of the nearest highway with no clear idea where I was going or what would befall me. As it turns out, I would end up traveling not only across Western Canada by car but also in far away lands on foot and would return six years later a different man than when I left. For the first six months of that journey I would keep myself fed and gas in the car by busking, that is, performing in the street for money, at various stops along the way. In the heat of summer and the chill of spring and fall I sang for my supper, literally. read more

January 4, 2014

Mexico: A Night In The Hoosegow Part 3 of 3

In this the last installment in my Mexico story I pick up the narrative the morning after my night in a Mexican jail.

Mexico: A Night In The Hoosegow

In the morning it was a sore head and a trip back to the detachment for me. I was ushered out of the Bug into a waiting room of the detachment off of which were several rooms. After about twenty minutes of sitting in the waiting room I was ushered into one of the rooms. The room was bare except for a long table around which were a number of wooden chairs. A lone light bulb hung from the ceiling. Seated in one chair at the far side and in the middle of the table was a lone middle aged Mexican policeman with a mustache and an open file folder lying on the table in front of him. He stared absently at a pencil that he played with in his hands upon the table and made no notice of my entrance as I was directed to take a seat opposite him. Neither of us spoke. The fellow that brought me in the room left silently and closed the door. A long silence ensued as the policeman continued staring impassively at the pencil. My head was throbbing and all I could think of was “What now?” read more

December 31, 2013

Mexico: A Night In The Hoosegow Part 2 of 3

The last installment saw me in search of water in a nondescript, dusty town in Mexico at the end of the day. I settled on imbibing beer, flicking beer caps at a child, wandering through a forest into a clearing, and being picked up by the Mexican police for creating a disturbance. I pick up here after a trip to the local police detachment.

Mexico: A Night In The Hoosegow Part 2

By the time we made the detachment the beer had totally kicked in and I was pretty intoxicated so the details are a little fuzzy. However, from what I recall, the policemen took me into the detachment where I was stripped of my personal items including all my money, papers, and my shoes, and interrogated, which in Mexico apparently means being unceremoniously slapped and tossed around getting one’s shirt torn at the collar in the process. Clearly unimpressed by what I had to say for myself, the policemen loaded me back into the Bug and transported me to the local jail. Since everybody that I had been in contact with throughout the whole proceedings spoke barely any English, nor I their language, and by the fact that I was thoroughly intoxicated by this point, I had little to no idea what was happening. However, in retrospect, it was not totally unlike being 15 again and coming home drunk at two in the morning to face my angry and belligerent mother. The jail on the other hand was an entirely different experience from anything I had known. read more

December 22, 2013

Mexico: A Night In The Hoosegow Part 1 of 3

This is the first installment of a three part travelling story.  I left for Mexico in the early fall of 1999 with $1,200 in my pocket and nothing but the clothes on my back from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. I was at the time not receiving treatment for mental illness. I left for Mexico primarily to avoid what I perceived as possible further persecution and mistreatment under the mental health laws of Canada and its institutions in which I had been remanded against my will on numerous occasions and subjected to treatment I did not want. I also left because I was laboring under the delusion that I was being attacked by the local chapter of the Window Washer’s Union (I was a self-employed window washer under cutting the market at the time), a group I had had no contact with, but whom I blamed for the cutting of the brake lines on my car. I convinced myself my safety was at risk. It may well have been as someone had cut the lines. However, in truth, it was questionably a false premise I fomented in my mind to justify a further adventure. I spent six months walking and busing across Mexico before I was picked up by immigration and told to leave the country.  The story below chronicles a night I spent in a Mexican jail during a part of that walk-a-bout. Enjoy. read more

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